Just the ‘fats’, Ma’am: Fast Food Restaurants to Keep Piling it on for 2019

We’re pigs.

Yup, America, face it and embrace it. We’re pigs. Porkers. Oinkers. Sows. Occasionally, we moo. We are animals who will pretty much eat anything put in front of us.

Who decided that we’re gluttons? U.S. fast food companies, of course

It was only a few years ago that many of the top fast food companies jumped on the health conscious bandwagon and tried to produce low calorie versions of their most popular offerings and new items that leaned toward the lean side.

Salads, low-fat unbreaded chicken, tea, fruit cups to replace French fries for kids.

McDonald’s did it, introducing grilled chicken and low-calorie iced tea to their menu. Burger King put out a grilled chicken sandwich of their own, albeit it slathered in mayo that kind of took the edge off the whole low calorie attempt.

And then there was the whole Subway and Jared Show that had people walking and eating foot-long sandwiches at the same time.

But no more. America has apparently spoken, or at least opened their mouths indicating they are requesting that something deep-fried be shoved inside. And judging by the food being offered by fast food restaurants, they’re more than happy to oblige.

There are restaurants that offer foot-long hamburgers, pizzas that come with their own appetizers built right into the crust, sodas that openly brag about the amount of sugar they contain (hello, Red Bull), coffee drinks that have more in common with candy bars than coffee.

And, of course, there is the infamous KFC Double Down sandwich, which repulsed some and made others salivate.

You know the one: two slabs of breaded chicken that take the place of the bun, between which Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and two pieces of bacon have been stuffed. It tipped the scales at 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1,380 milligrams of sodium.

Their “healthy” grilled chicken version mysteriously managed to have even more sodium.

Yes, the message from fast food restaurants to Americans is simple: Come and get it, you fat bastards. We know what you want. Waddle on in here and get a meal that has as many calories as you’re supposed to eat all day.

According to a recent article on new fast food items, the pretense of supplying healthy food is over.

Whether it’s our desire for heaping helpings of sodium and calories they’re responding to or some concerted effort on their part to make us want it, the viewpoint of fast food companies is clear: There’s gold in them thar bellies.

The motto of fast food companies in 2011 is apparently “Go Big or Go Home”. Sandwiches are getting bigger. Fries are getting bigger. Desserts are getting bigger. And, yes, calorie counts are also getting bigger.

Read about Catering here.

Burger King, which delivered a big “FU” to doctors and the weight conscious among us this past year with a menu that includes a Double Whopper, Triple Whopper, BK Triple Stacker and a BK Quad Stacker, is apparently trying to top itself and plans to offer the “Ultimate Breakfast”, a first-thing-in-the-morning meal consisting of scrambled eggs, sausage, three pancakes (with syrup), hash browns and a biscuit.

Enough starch to iron every white shirt on “Mad Men”. The meal clocks in at 1,310 calories, 2490mg of sodium and 73 grams of fat.

For the record, most medical experts recommend a daily calorie count of 2000 calories a day and no more than 2,300 mg of sodium a day for an average adult. Which means this breakfast should be your only meal of the day. But we know that’s not going to happen, don’t we?

Dunkin Donuts plans to stick something called Pancake Bites into your mouth, which are sausage links wrapped in maple-flavored pancakes, just like mom (or rather MomCo Inc., a subsidiary of Mother Products) used to make.

Taco Bell will cross the border into breakfastland with a sausage skillet burrito, Cinnabon Delights and their own sausages wrapped in pancakes. Nothing says authentic Mexican food like a Cinnabon and a pancake-wrapped sausage.

When lunchtime rolls around (emphasis on “rolls”), BK continues the caloric onslaught with their new Funnel Cake Sticks, fried sticks of dough dusted with powdered sugar and with a cup of icing dipping sauce on the side.

Yes, that’s right: powdered sugar AND dipping sauce (11 grams of fat, 30 grams of sugar), proving once again that BK apparently hates your heart. The tagline for the new product? “Get a taste of the circus anytime, all day long.”

Exactly! Who among us has been trapped in an office meeting and thought, “You know, a seal with a ball on his nose would be perfect right now. Oh, and a funnel cake.”

Papa Johns, meanwhile, answers the age-old question, “What’s better than five cheeses and one kind of bacon?” with their new six-cheese, double bacon pizza, while drive-through burger joint Sonic will attempt to clog your arter…er, tickle your tastebuds with a Red Velvet Cheesecake Blast (“blast” being an apparent reference to the motion of your belt buckle and its progress across the room after consuming one of these).

The concoction is an amalgam of red velvet cake batter (they apparently said to hell with cooking it), ice cream, cheesecake pieces, whipped topping and more cheesecake on top of that.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), McDonald’s doesn’t have any McMonster Burgers in their plans (though, to many, they still have the stain of the McRib on their hands).

In keeping with their low calorie, sorta health-conscious products of recent years, they plan on adding oatmeal to their menu, which can include fresh fruit and dried cranberries. Throw in brown sugar on top and the calorie count hits a manageable 290 calories.

But these are only the new menu items they have announced to the press. Documents recently discovered in a Dumpster behind the various fast food corporate headquarters reveal a number of products that are waiting in the wings.

While we can’t verify these products are actually in the works, who knows, maybe they’ll read about them here and get to work on it.

  • Following up with the “success” of the Double Down, KFC will stick with the “life’s a gamble, eat fatty food theme” and unveil the KFC Blind Bet. Customers will simply reach into a bag of bird meat (chicken, duck, emu, ostrich and penguin) and whatever they pull out, KFC workers will fry it up and wrap it around a slice of cheese, no matter the type of meat or the amount.
  • Taco Bell will soon move north of the border as well with its new maple-flavored moose steak burrito, the Cheesey Bullwinkle Burrito. It’s a full pound of moose meat, marinated in maple syrup, covered in rice, beans and melted Ontario gouda, all wrapped in a soft tortilla. Add a cup of Tim Horton coffee for only 99 cents more.
  • *with the new Savory Sausage Donut: a Bismark filled with sausage that has been ground and mashed to a smooth consistency, then injected into a light, fluffy chocolate-covered Bismark for a taste that has been described as “indescribable” (and with other words the company has chosen not to include in its campaign).
  • Attempting to outdo Papa Johns, Domino’s Pizza will offer a new 32-cheese pizza. Rising five inches from the crust, the pie will include such non-traditional pizza cheeses as Blue Castello, Brebis du Puyfaucon, Casciotta di Urbino, Hubbardston Blue Cow, Oschtjepka and Moose milk cheese, recently announced as the most expensive cheese in the world at $500 a pound. One family sized pizza will cost a mere $150.
  • Sonic will unveil their Car Full O’ Cake. Skating carhops will roll up to your vehicle with a large hose and fill the seating area of your vehicle with a cake and whipped cream mixture, forcing you to eat your way out to survive. In test markets, the product has proven to be a hit with high school students who rent limos on prom night, with only one fatality reported.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *